01292014 Wednesday DS and the Blues

Woke and reread the draft of the email I worked on last night - decided not to send it yet.

Read emails and responded to other things, was going to install the printer ink when DS called. He was ready for lunch. Said he thought he had confirmed yesterday. Decided we'd meet at 4.0 Deli - so he could walk there and I could get changed.

Arrived at the same time he did, met him and split a large Big Apple sandwich. It's the best still. Chatted a little. He made it clear that I am not to suggest anything about his car... and it seems anything else. He was not rude or mean, just let me know he didn't need anyone making any suggestions to him. I tried to make it clear that I was just thinking of things to do. I remember fondly how nice it was when my dad cleaned my car for me and filled it before a trip, but DS will have no similar memories as he won't let me. I was successful one time and he needed to be there to do the cleaning out as I didn't know what could be trashed or not. Well, I have that memory stored away as a nice thing.

He came with me and I parking in parking structure. We walked together to campus. He left off at the library I went on to administration and then to DH's department to find out where the new human resources office is. Got the info went there. Spoke to a benefits lady who told me since I was not the employee I could not fill out any forms. She was curious though and looked up DH and said son has insurance until April 1st so I must have misread the letter.

So went home to find the letter. Looked thru papers with disgust at how much I leave to do until absolutely necessary - and overwhelmed with how much I need to do.

DH came home and didn't want to hold my hand so I went downstairs and heated the food that I had purchased for our son but he didn't come over. I left to get peas then returned to make salad and to do the plating up.

I know one is supposed to be the kind of person you want to be, and to treat others as you would like to be treated. It hit be while chatting with son though how I have a friend who moved to another state that a while after she left started to call me. It was like every 6 or 8 months. I was always surprised. Had nice chats then that was all. After what must have been a few years I thought I'd better call her back a few times since she was being nice to try to keep up the friendship. I discovered that I could remember things she was doing and could do follow up questions and give input, etc. I was finally really being a good friend. It took my responsiveness for the friendship to really take off under the new circumstances (phone). Now we chat at least once a week on all sorts of topics. Politics, people, movies, books, food, classes. She knows all about the org down to knowing the names of the people on the board. She is better about those things, but as time passes I am getting better.

So when I try to act the way I want people to act it is inconsistent as I am the only person to whom this is important. The others are so busy with work that they don't need or care about the things I do. And that is why sometimes I feel lost and alone and blue.

I don't know how to change this, but I can really try to stick with the things I can control. Myself and my actions.

Tonight though I feel like a sucker and alone so that is what I am.

There was a question on one of the quilting boards that I finally responded by describing the large block quilt I was making for my husband last year. It was nice to remember how good I felt when the design came together. Maybe I should finish that.

The student who worked with my mom emailed and said he had time on the weekends to work with her so I told him to go ahead and start. That will be wonderful for her.  I had given him a reference for a job he now has and he wrote to thank me for that too.